I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm eating all of the evidence.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
