a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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