Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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