the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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