She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
