We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
