I just threw up on my dentist
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
