You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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