i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
