life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
