I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
