woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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