Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize