It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
