dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
