Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
