you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
