Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize