I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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