Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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