She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
