I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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