if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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