i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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