i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
