you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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