Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up under a house in Key West
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
