i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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