I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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