He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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