I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
