Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
