My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
