last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize