headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
