I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The power of my boobs compel you
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
