My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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