Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
