i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What a dumb baby whore.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
