guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize