It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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