shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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