Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
