I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
