Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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