We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
