did you get engaged???
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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