Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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