Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
