Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize