Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
