My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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