I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize