it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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