if you like me you must not know who I am
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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