his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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