So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
